|
|
Bloopers from “Boys Will Be Boys”
|
|
|
Scene 4, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
But anyway,
we were just sittin’ around and talkin’ about the baptizing they had at the
church last Sunday.
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Bobby, you need to say “capsizing”. Scene 4, take 2. Action!
|
|
Bobby:
|
But anyway,
we were just sittin’ around and talkin’ about the baptiz…
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Bobby, you said “baptizing” again. It’s “capsizing”.
|
|
Bobby:
|
No, it’s
not. I’m sick of getting my words wrong all the time. Everybody out there has
no idea that I truly have an extraordinary understanding of the English
language. I’m outta here! You can call my agent!
|
|
|
Scene 5, Take 1.
|
|
Peter:
|
Gee,
thanks, Helen.
|
|
|
(Helen
wraps her arms around her husband’s waist.)
|
|
Helen:
|
I’ll make
it up to you later, Peter dear.
|
|
|
(Peter
wiggles his eyebrows at her, dips her back, and kisses her
passionately. One of his hands rubs
her backside and the other trails under her shirt to…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Somebody get the water hose! What do you
think this is, guys— red star? Dream
on, ‘cuz this is yellow star! Do you hear me? YELLOW star!
|
|
|
Scene 6, Take 1
|
|
Diana:
|
Honey is
right. You’re just…just oozing with
natural beauty!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Yeah, I’m
oozing all right… (CRACK!!!) OUCH!!!
That really hurt! She broke that hair brush on me!
|
|
Honey:
|
*giggling
madly* Sorry, Trix.
|
|
April:
|
Props! We
need a new hairbrush!
|
|
|
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
Trixie, have
you heard the legend of Princess Supple Blink Blink?
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
That’s Bling Bling, Di. Take 2! Action!
|
|
Di:
|
(batting
eyes in confusion) Trixie, have you
heard the legend of Princess Supple Ching Ching?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! It’s “Bling
Bling”, Diana. “Bling, Bling”. It’s one of the elements! Get it right! All
right! Take 3! Action!
|
|
Di:
|
Trixie,
have you heard of the legend of Princess Supple… What was it again?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Does anyone
know if Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen is available?
|
|
|
Scene 11, Take 1
|
|
|
(Relieved
that Bambi and the drug lord were still wrestling, Extra #2 quiets down and
becomes glued to the television program.
Extra #2 leans up closer to the TV as the crook rips Bambi’s top and
her big br…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! I
said cut! This is where you boys are supposed to switch the channel! Hello,
Jim? Are you listening to me? Cut!!!!!
|
|
|
Scene 12, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
Don’t
forget Matthew McConaughey!
|
|
Dan:
|
Geez, why
don’t you guys wake up and smell the coffee! Trixie likes some dark-haired bad boy
biker…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! I’m a
traditionalist, Dan. Sorry, but there is no sandy-haired detective in your
future.
|
|
Jim:
|
Yeah, Dan.
April loves me, so you’ll have to settle for Hallie.
|
|
Dan:
|
Sorry,
guys. I was in the wrong uni!
|
|
|
Scene 13, Take 1
|
|
April:
|
Trixie,
now you’re going to stomp up the stairs to get your dad. Ready? Action!
|
|
|
(clomp, clomp *scream*
bonk, bonk, bonk THUD!!! )
|
|
Trixie:
|
I’m okay!
(jumping to her feet)
|
|
|
Bloopers from “A Day in the Life of
Moms”
|
|
|
Scene 3, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
Alas, I
must concede to my eldest kinsman. Brian most likely has an itemized spreadsheet,
effectively calculating all antidotes…
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
That’s antecedents, Mart. Let’s try it again. Take 2! Action.
|
|
Mart:
|
Alas, I
must concede to my eldest kinsman. Brian most likely has an itemized
spreadsheet, effectively calculating all anteaters…
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Antecedents! The word is antecedents!
|
|
Mart:
|
I don’t
know why I get all the crappy lines! Why do I have to use all the big
words? Brian’s the future doctor! Or how about Jim? He’s the one who skipped
two years of school! Why do I get stuck with all the hard lines? This
bites!
|
|
|
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Helen:
|
Gently
blow while I rub. (Five minutes
later…) Stand still, Bobby. It’s still not out. (Ten minutes later…) It’s not
coming out! It’s stuck up there! Can someone get this out! Omigosh! What do
I do! Breathe, Bobby, breathe!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Can
someone call the medic!
|
|
|
Scene 8, Take 1
|
|
April:
|
Cue the
phone. Action!
|
|
Helen:
|
(phone rings)
Hello! Belden residence.
|
|
Peter:
|
Hey, baby!
How’s your day going?
|
|
Helen:
|
Much
better now that you called.
|
|
Peter:
|
What are
you wearing? Do you have on those lacy black pant—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Yellow
star, Peter! How many times do I have to tell you? Yellow star!
|
|
|
Scene 9, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
Is Jim
goin’?
|
|
Honey:
|
No, lamb.
He’s helping Brian with his car. But he’ll be here later. Why do you ask?
|
|
Bobby:
|
I was wantin’
to show him his name. Trixie wrote it in her diarrhea.
|
|
Honey:
|
Oh, that’s
gross! (Honey turns a ghastly shade
of green) I think I’m going to thr… (runs to bathroom)
|
|
|
Scene 10, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
Hey, Trix,
maybe later I can take you and Honey around to pick up some of those
donations. (Seeing his moment, Jim finally gathers his courage and grabs
Trixie. He plants an open mouth kiss…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Jim,
read the script. You’re supposed to tug on her curl!
|
|
Jim:
|
You mean I
can’t kiss her?
|
|
April:
|
Not in
this uni! Get used to fond glances, Jim baby.
|
|
Jim:
|
Man, this
sucks!
|
|
|
Bloopers from “Saccharine Sweet
Revenge”
|
|
|
Scene 3, Take 1
|
|
Helen:
|
Sounds heavenly.
(She rubs Peter’s chest and wiggles seductively against him.)
|
|
Peter:
|
(Slams
bedroom door shut)
|
|
April:
|
Uh, cut!
Go ahead and take a lunch break, guys. They might be a while!
|
|
|
Scene 6, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
I’d better
call Brian and let him know that Moms and Dad made it off okay. (pretends
to push phone buttons) Hey, Brian….Yeah, we just got home a few minutes
ago…He cried the whole way home, but he’s asleep now…Yes, I remembered to—
|
|
Operator:
|
Beep! Beep! Beep! Hello. If you wish to
make a call, please hang up and try again.
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggle*
Cut! You doofus! You forgot to hold the button down!
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sure, I’ll
talk to Jim…Hi, Jim….Yeah, we’ll be there tomorrow…Gee, Jim, that sounds
great!...*sigh* I already told Brian that I wouldn’t…But it was
him! I’m sure of it…Yes, I remember when I thought Harrison was a
thief…Ohhh! I know what I saw James Frayne!... *giggle* Jim! I never knew
you could talk dirty! Yes, I wish you had made a move in the tunnel, too!
Maybe later we can…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Keep
with the script, Trixie! Take 2!
|
|
|
Scene 13, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Maybe my almost-twin
is too hungry to use his immense vocabulary.
|
|
Jim:
|
Find any
mysteries while we were away, Shamus? (tugging his favorite curl)
|
|
Trixie:
|
(grinning
stupidly while mesmerized by Jim’s green eyes)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Trixie,
you missed your line. Let’s try it again. Take 2! Action!
|
|
|
(Honey and
Di giggle while Bobby pokes Trixie in the ribs)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Huh? Did I
miss something?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Trixie,
sweetie, go wipe the drool from your chin and focus. Jim, try not to be so
supple. You’re distracting the cast.
|
|
|
Scene 15, Take 1
|
|
|
(The
Bob-Whites are in the Cameo. The lights have just went down and the movie
is about to start.)
|
|
Announcer:
|
Welcome to the Cameo! Mart Belden, keep your
hands to yourself and wipe that lipstick off your face! Diana Lynch, tuck
your shirt back in your skirt and fluff your hair! Now let’s keep this
PG-13 and enjoy the show!
|
|
|
Scene 17, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
Uh, Brian,
do you mind taking me home?
|
|
Brian:
|
Sure, Di.
|
|
Mart:
|
Your
chariot awaits, malady!
|
|
Brian:
|
(dropping
to the floor in laughter) You just
called Di a disease! You mean ‘m’lady’!
|
|
Di:
|
*gasp!* How
could you, Mart Belden! I thought what we had was special! (Slaps his face
and runs to her dressing room)
|
|
Mart:
|
Di! Wait!
It’s not my fault, I swear! It’s that director! She made a typo on my
script! (runs after her)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Mwah-ha-ha!
My diabolical plot to break them up has succeeded! Mwah-ha-ha! Mart Belden
shall be mine!
|
|
|
Scene 24, Take 1
|
|
|
(Honey
gracefully walks down stairs, flipping her honey-colored hair over her
shoulder. She flashes a thousand watt smile.)
|
|
Trixie
Voiceover:
|
(thinking)
Gleeps! I wish I could look like that
when I walk down stairs! *wistful smile* Honey
sure knows how to ma…
|
|
|
(Honey’s
feet slip on the polished wood stairs, and they fly out from under her.)
*PLOP* *PLOP*
*PLOP* *PLOP*
(Trixie
doubles over in laughter until she’s rolling in the floor.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You
okay there, Honey?
|
|
|
Scene 31, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
Sorry.
False alarm. I thoughted he moved, but he was just breathing.
|
|
|
(Trixie leaves
room)
|
|
|
WHACK! (Bobby whacks Sgt.
Molinson again with the skillet) Sorry! He breathed again.
|
|
April:
|
All right,
cut! That’s a wrap.
|
|
|
WHACK!
|
|
April:
|
I said
cut, Bobby!
|
|
|
WHACK!!
|
|
April:
|
Bobby, that’s
a wrap! You don’t need to hit him anymore!
|
|
|
WHACK!!!
|
|
April:
|
*Snatching
skillet from Bobby’s grasp* Okay, Sgt. Molinson, you can get up now. Sgt.
Molinson? *patting his hand and checking for a pulse* Sgt. Molinson, can you
hear me? Medic! Does anyone know CPR?
|
|
|
Bloopers from “The Mystery of Rip
Van Winkle’s Ghost”
|
|
|
Scene 1, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
Methinks
Don Juan has disregarded the captivating damsel with whom he has been
spending an exorbitant amount of time.
|
|
Dan:
|
(scratches
chin) Who…oh, Ruthie Kettner.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! It’s
Amy Morrisey, Dan. Let’s try it again. Scene 1, take 2! Action!
|
|
Mart:
|
Methinks
Don Juan has disregarded the captivating damsel with whom he has been spending
an exorbitant amount of time.
|
|
Dan:
|
(scratches
chin) Who…oh, Hallie Belden?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Can’t
you keep track of your girlfriends, Dan? The flavor of the month is AMY
MORRISEY!
|
|
Mart:
|
Dude, I’m getting
you a day planner for Christmas so you can keep track of all your chicks.
|
|
|
Scene 2, take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
They’re
here, Jim! They’re here!
|
|
|
(A
greenish van pulls in the driveway, and a perfectly coifed and stylishly dressed
blond girl gets out.)
|
|
Blond
girl:
|
James
Frayne?
|
|
Jim:
|
That’s me.
Are you Daphne Blake?
|
|
Blond
girl:
|
Daphne
Blake? Are you kidding? Everybody knows me! I’m
Nancy Drew!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(whispering
to Honey) Nancy who?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Wrong
fanfic site, sweetheart!
|
|
|
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Fred:
|
Let’s head
out, gang. I think we can build a simple trap with clothes hangers, soap
suds, and a weed-eater.
|
|
Jim:
|
(rolling eyes)
That’s not our style, Fred. Let me tell you how it works. Trixie and Honey
search for clues. We give them a hard time about being too suspicious.
Brian and I throw in a lecture or two, and Mart teases Trixie relentlessly.
Trixie usually figures it all out after someone, usually Trixie and or
Honey, gets kidnapped. They are
rescued in the nick of time, and we get some type of reward which we donate
to charity.
|
|
Fred:
|
Well,
we’ve always found the ‘find clues, set a trap using Shaggy and Scooby as
bait, and unmask the bad guy’ method to work.
|
|
Jim:
|
*getting
in Fred’s face* Well, this isn’t
your turf, now is it, Freddie?
|
|
Fred:
|
*pointing
his finger in Jim’s face* Well, maybe
you need a real man to take charge around here and show you the right way
to solve a mystery.
|
|
Jim:
|
*pushing
Fred* Well, maybe you need to take
your little ascot and high tail it out of here.
|
|
Fred:
|
*balling
up fist* Man, you can insult my
chick, my wheels, or my dog, but don’t mess with my ascot! *takes a swing at Jim*
|
|
Shaggy:
|
Fight!
Fight!
|
|
Dan:
|
(whispering
to Mart) I’ve got $5 on the redhead.
|
|
|
Scene 13, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
What did everyone
find?
|
|
Shaggy:
|
(holds out
box of chocolates) Like man, just this groovy box of chocolate.
|
|
Dan:
|
(opens
lid) Where’s the chocolate?
|
|
Mart:
|
BURP!!! (grins
sheepishly) Sorry, guys!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Let’s
try this again. Take 2! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
What did
everyone find?
|
|
Shaggy:
|
(holds out
box of chocolates) Like man, just this groovy box of chocolate.
|
|
Dan:
|
(opens
lid) *in best Forrest Gump voice* My mama said life was like a box of
chocolates.
|
|
April:
|
*giggle* Cut! But that’s a very good Tom Hanks
impersonation, Dan.
|
|
|
Scene 14, Take 1
|
|
Velma:
|
Actually,
it’s French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French.
Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your beauty.
You drive me crazy when you wear your smart tweed suits and your sensible
shoes. Your brisk efficiency makes me want to sweep you off your feet and
make mad, passionate love---
|
|
|
(Trixie
and Honey burst out in a fit of giggles)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Try
to focus girls. Let’s try this again. Take 2! Action!
|
|
Velma:
|
Actually,
it’s French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French.
Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your
beau---
|
|
|
(Trixie
and Honey fall on the ground laughing.)
|
|
Honey:
|
*wiping
tears from laughing so hard*
S-s-sorry. I’m r-really trying.
|
|
Trixie:
|
We’ll do
better next time.
|
|
April:
|
All right.
Take 3! Action!
|
|
Velma:
|
Actually, it’s
French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French.
Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your
beauty. You drive me crazy when you wear your smart tweed suits and your
sen---
|
|
|
(All the
Bob-Whites burst out laughing and roll on the floor, doubled up, clutching
their stomachs.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 19, Take 1
|
|
|
(Jim,
Fred, Mart, Brian, and Dan enter Miss Trask’s room. Shaggy jumps out of the
bed, dressed in the black teddy.)
|
|
Shaggy:
|
*dancing
provocatively around the room* Like, how’s this, man?
|
|
April:
|
(collapsing
in laughter) Cut!
|
|
Shaggy:
|
Like if
the cartoon gig ever dries up, I think I gotta future as a showgirl, man.
|
|
|
Scene 20, Take 1
|
|
|
(Trixie, Jim,
Mart, Honey, and Scooby are all in Miss Trask’s closet waiting for Rip Van
Winkle’s ghost.)
|
|
|
(Honey
shrieks and jumps up)
|
|
Honey:
|
All right!
Who was touching my butt?
|
|
Scooby:
|
*hangs
head* Ror-ry, Runny.
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 22, Take 1
|
|
|
(The
Bob-Whites and Mystery Inc. watched as the form carefully stood on the
branch and prepared to jump to the balcony. They each held their breath as
the ‘ghost’ leaped to the balcony, landed on the trampoline, and was shot
into the air. They jumped up from out of the closet and hurried to the
balcony and peered over the edge. Rip Van Winkle overshot the mattress
below and landed on the ground below.)
|
|
Rip Van
Winkle:
|
(groaning
and moaning and writhing in pain)
|
|
April:
|
Uhhh… cut!
I think we’re going to need a new stunt man!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bloopers
from “All I Want For Christmas”
|
|
|
Scene 1, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
Ev’rybody
thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can thee.
I don’t know who to blame for thithz catastrophe—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Don’t
say ‘catastrophe’, Bobby. Follow the script. It’s ‘mu-ma-ma-me’.
|
|
Bobby:
|
But that’s
stupid! What’s ‘mu-ma-ma-me’
anyway?
|
|
April:
|
You’re not
supposed to remember the word, Bobby. It’s funny. Trust me. Now, try it
again from the top. Scene 1, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Bobby:
|
Ev’rybody
stops and st—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You
forgot the lisp, Bobby! Let’s do it again. Scene 1, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Bobby:
|
Ev’rybody
thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can
thee. I don’t know who to blame for thithz mu-ma-ma-me. But my one wish on
Chrithmath Eve ithz athz plain athz it can be.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! That was
better Bobby, but I need more bouncing. Let’s do it again from the top,
this time with happier bouncing. Scene 1, Take 4! Action!
|
|
Bobby:
|
Ev’rybody
thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can
thee. I don’t know who—
|
|
|
(Suddenly
a fiendish scream is heard from off set, and Bobby is tackled from behind.)
|
|
Mart:
|
*madly
waving a roll of duct tape* I can’t take it anymore! I’ve got to shut this kid
up! I’m going crazy! If I have to hear that song one more time, I’ll—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! I
think this would be a good time for lunch…
|
|
|
Scene 2, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
(Bobby
bounces to Trixie’s side) Whatcha’ want?
|
|
Trixie:
|
Say ‘I wish
you a merry Christmas.’
|
|
Bobby:
|
I with ya
a merry Chrith— YOW! *Bobby flings Isaac
Newt up in the air.* He bited me!
The little dummyface bited me! OW!! It’s bleedin’! Do I gotted rabies?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Get the
medic and the animal trainer! And someone find that newt! We gotta have it!
It’s one of the required elements!
|
|
|
Scene 8, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oooh! Ewan
McGregor in matador breeches! I’m there!
|
|
Honey:
|
I’ll take
Tom Welling any day.
|
|
Di:
|
My
favorite is still Martin Beld— oops!
*giggling*
|
|
Mart:
|
A-ha! The
truth is out! The effervescent Diana’s heart can only beat for one! Come
away with me my love, where we shall bask in the glory of our affections a
fortnight—
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 9, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Reese
Witherspoon! She’s so cute… and perky. UGH!!!
|
|
Honey:
|
(pretending
to barf) Jessica Alba!
I thought Brian had better taste than that. Why, she can’t even act. All
she can do is bat those big cow eyes of hers.
|
|
Di:
|
And I know Liv Tyler is supposed to be a really nice
person, but who is going to believe that someone that beautiful is actually sweet?
|
|
Trixie:
|
And Alyssa Milano’s character was just thrown in there as a
love interest for the extra guy. Nobody really likes her anyway. And while
I’m at it, let me just say that character is snooty and her little attitude
really gets on my nerves! No kissy
kissy! Puh-lease! Like I wanted my lips anywhere near her greasy hair!
It looked like it hadn’t been washed for a month. And where does she get
off trying to solve MY mystery?! She’s just trying
to steal my thunder, like she always does! And don’t even get me started
about the goo-goo eyes I saw her flash at Jim…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Talk to the therapist, sweetie. For now, let’s stick
to the script.
|
|
|
Scene 11, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
Probably giggling and gossiping about Ewan McGregor.
|
|
Brian:
|
And Tom Welling.
|
|
Mart:
|
Don’t forget Matthew McConaughey.
|
|
Dan:
|
*smiling that devastatingly handsome smile that only Dan
can smile* Nah. Secretly, they’re
all lusting after Orlando Bloom.
|
|
|
(Suddenly, Dan is pummeled with several various objects
from all directions.)
|
|
|
Scene 13, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
You know, I think I’m finally going to take things up a
notch with Honey on New Year’s Eve.
|
|
Jim:
|
Hey, if I can’t make a move on your sister, do you
actually think I’m going to let you make a move on mine?
|
|
Brian:
|
It was worth a shot.
|
|
Dan:
|
Jim, can I see if Honey’s willing to round third base with
me?
|
|
Jim:
|
Sure, Dan. I heard from Dana that Honey thinks you’re
pretty hot.
|
|
Brian:
|
CUT!!! That’s not in the script! This is your universe,
April! You won’t do that, will you?
|
|
April:
|
Weeeellll… I am a big fan of Dana’s writing…
|
|
|
Bloopers from “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”
|
|
|
Scene 2, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
Don’t
worry Even though Moms ain’t here, she lefted your breafesk in the oven for
ya.
|
|
|
(Mart jumps up, opens the oven door and reaches for one of
the plates.)
|
|
Bobby:
|
Wait, Mart! Don’t forget….
|
|
|
(Mart screams and drops the plate of food on the floor.)
|
|
Bobby:
|
…the oven mitts.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Call the medic and get the clean up crew in here!
|
|
|
Scene 8, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
(Crossing arms, assuming stern expression) Now that they’re gone, I think it’s necessary for me to lay down
a few rules. Rule number one, no going into any of the bedrooms. Rule number two, keep your hands to
yourself, as much as possible. If you have any itches in awkward places,
deal with it.
|
|
Jim:
|
I think we
heard the ‘keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself’ lecture in
kindergarten, Brian.
|
|
Brian:
|
Rule C, no—
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggling* We’re using numbers, not letters, Bri!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! It’s rule number three, Brian. Let’s take it again
from the top. Scene 8, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
(Crossing arms, assuming stern expression) Now that they’re gone, I think it’s necessary for me to lay down
a few rules. Rule number one, no going into any of the bedrooms. Rule number two, keep your hands to
yourself, as much as possible. If you have any itches in awkward places,
deal with it.
|
|
Jim:
|
I think we
heard the ‘keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself’ lecture in
kindergarten, Brian.
|
|
Brian:
|
Rule number four—
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggling madly* You skipped rule number three!
|
|
Jim:
|
And you got in medical school how???
|
|
|
Scene 10, Take 1
|
|
|
(Dan,
knowing Mrs. Belden’s penchant for early morning baking, searches the
countertops until he finds a leftover biscuit. He pours himself a glass of milk,
puts the biscuit on a napkin, and sits down across from Trixie and Jim at
the table. Immediately, Dan notices the handcuffs, but he doesn’t say a
word. For several minutes, he happily munches and slurps. Finally, he can’t
keep a straight face anymore, and laughs, making milk shoot out of his
nose.)
|
|
Dan:
|
*chuckling
and wiping milk off his shirt* Quit staring at me! It’s getting me tickled!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! *giggle* Have wardrobe send Dan in another black T-shirt,
one size too small! Gotta show off all those rippling pectorals resulting
from all that wood chopping…
|
|
|
Scene 15, Take 1
|
|
|
(Mesmerized by Trixie’s shiny
curls, Jim did not notice the can Trixie grabbed. Suddenly, his thoughts
were interrupted by a hiss and a cloud of hazy fumes.)
|
|
Jim:
|
*screaming and rubbing eyes* My eyes! My eyes! You
squirted that crap in my eyes!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You all right, Jim?
|
|
|
Scene 18, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
We did not! But we were going to!
|
|
Jim:
|
(tickling Trixie) You’d better talk Belden, or I’m gonna
tickle the pee out of you!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(gasping for breath) Stop! Stop! No, I mean it! Stop!
|
|
Jim:
|
*pulling away* Uh…
I think Trixie is gonna need some new pajama pants. And we’re gonna need a
new couch…
|
|
|
Scene 24, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Does it
look like I can go to the New Year’s Eve party? I am in my pajamas! If that
wasn’t bad enough, I have dried chili stuck to my pajama top! My hair is a
mess, and Jim has threatened my life if I get any more make-up on him! I
can’t go like this!
|
|
Brian:
|
What? You…
look… uh… great.
|
|
Mart:
|
Actually,
you don’t look much different than how you normally do.
|
|
|
(Brian
elbows Mart in the gut.)
|
|
Mart:
|
OW!!! Watch it, Bri! I just ate! This is just a movie. You don’t have
to really whack my guts out!
|
|
April:
|
Brian, I don’t
think it’s necessary to elbow Mart so vigorously. If you don’t calm down,
I’ll have to find a replacement. Are you all right, Mart? Do you need to
relax for a moment or two?
|
|
Brian:
|
*muttering* Gee, I wonder who April’s favorite is. Is your trailer OK, Mart? Need anything,
Mart? Can I help you practice your lines, Mart? It’s not fair.
|
|
Jim:
|
You’re
tellin’ me!!! I used to be her favorite, till all of a sudden I was
replaced by Motor-Mouth! Hey, I’m
the supple one!
|
|
Brian:
|
She doesn’t
even like blonds. She goes for tall, dark, and handsome. So, why am I not
her favorite? I mean, she likes Dad better than me! What is up with that?
|
|
Jim:
|
All these
years of being her favorite, and suddenly, Curly Top steals my thunder! It
all started when she read that C’est La Vie story.
|
|
Brian:
|
I mean,
Dan I could understand. At least he’s sullen and mysterious. But Mart?! What’s up with this
‘personality mattering’ crap? What’s wrong with ‘strong and silent’?
|
|
Jim:
|
It’s all that
Susan’s fault. She swayed April to the sunshine side. All those lovey dovey
Mart and Di scenes from Treasury of Coins… And that His-story… The
Bottomless, Stainless Steel Stomach has to be stopped or he’ll steal all
our babes!
|
|
Trixie:
|
*rolling her
eyes* Men!
|
|
|
Scene 28, Take 1
|
|
|
(clock
striking midnight, record playing softly)
|
|
Jim:
|
(gazing
into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…)
Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better
ring in the new year right.
|
|
|
(Trixie
nods and moves in closer)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! This
lighting isn’t right. Can somebody get a technician in here to make some
adjustments?
|
|
|
(Twenty
minutes later…)
|
|
April:
|
OK. Scene
28, Take 2! Action! Cue the music and the clock!
|
|
Jim:
|
(gazing
into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any
New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
|
|
|
(Trixie
nods and moves in closer)
|
|
Record
Player:
|
Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it’s exactly twelve… twelve… twelve… twelve… twelve…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The
record is skipping! Someone run out to an antique store and find a new one!
|
|
|
(Two hours
later…)
|
|
April:
|
Let’s get back
to work. Scene 28, Take 3! Action! Cue the music. Cue the clock.
|
|
Jim:
|
(gazing
into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any
New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
|
|
|
(Trixie
nods and moves in closer…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! I
need more anticipation, Trixie! Let’s try and look more anxious. Let’s try
it again from the top. Scene 28, Take 4! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
(gazing
into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any
New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
|
|
|
(Trixie
nods anxiously and moves in closer…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The
muses are at work here. What do all think about removing the kissing scene and
having some sort of dream sequence? Think that would work? Oh, what the
heck. Let’s try the kissing scene… Scene 28, Take 5! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
(gazing
into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any
New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
|
|
|
(Trixie
nods anxiously and moves in even closer…)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Jim,
you look angry. Try to look happy. After all, you’re finally getting that
first kiss. Let’s try it again…
|
|
|
(Four
hours later…)
|
|
April:
|
Scene 28,
Take 372! Act—. Oops. 5:00. Time to quit, guys. Can’t make the union mad.
See ya first thing in the morning!
*VEG*
Bloopers
for “Confessions of Three Teenage Drama Queens”
Scene 2, Take 1
(Helen is standing
outside Trixie’s door, listening…)
|
|
Helen:
|
(thinking)
That’s strange… They’re awfully quiet
in there. (Leans against the
door to listen more carefully) Why, I don’t he—
|
|
|
CRASH!!!!
(Helen
crashes through doorway set)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Call
set design in here and tell them we need a sturdier form of plaster.
|
|
|
Scene 5, Take 1
|
|
Helen:
|
(standing
outside Trixie’s door, with a big plate of brownies and cookies)
Knock,
knock!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(from
inside room) You may enter.
|
|
Helen:
|
If you
want your chocolate, open the door. My hands are full.
(Bed
springs squeak and stomping can be heard from other side of the door.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
(opens
door and takes goodies out of Helen’s hands)
Thanks.
See ya!
(slams
door closed)
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
That’s not what the script says. Quit goofing around and bring back the
chocolate.
(Taps foot
impatiently. Meanwhile, faint munching can be heard from the other side of
the door.)
You girls
had better NOT be eating the props! *banging on door* We need those
cookies!
Scene 6, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
*sniffling* Where’s the fudge? (Looks ready to burst into tears)
|
|
Peter:
|
(enters
room carrying fudge and 2-liter bottle of soda)
I’ve got
it right here.
|
|
Trixie:
|
DAD!!!
(Peter, not
expecting that emotional of an outburst, jumps literally a foot off the
ground, his arms flailing madly about. As a result, the aforementioned
fudge and cola went airborne, the fudge landing face down on the carpet and
the cola exploding from built up pressure)
|
|
Di:
|
NOOOO!!! (collapses in an hysterical heap on the floor) Not the f-f-fudge!!!
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
Honey:
Di:
|
Boys are
mean.
Boys are
gross.
Boys have
cooties.
|
|
Peter:
|
But I’m
not a boy. I’m a man.
|
|
Honey:
|
You suuuure
are… (looking admiringly at Mr. Belden)
|
|
Di:
|
100%
grade-A man.
|
|
April:
|
(clearing
throat nervously) Ummm… cut.
Scene 8, Take 1
|
|
Helen:
|
Ye-es.
Remember in the kitchen, you said you needed my assistance in the barn…?
|
|
Peter:
|
*coughing* O-oh, yes, sweetheart. That barn! I-I-I
needed you to get your hairpin and take a look at that… that thing we
talked about… (throws his hands up
in disgust) Ah, heck with it! C’mon,
Helen. Let’s go to the barn and exercise those marital benefits. (grabs Helen and kisses her passionately)
(Trixie
begins screaming)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! (runs
to frantically cover Honey and Di’s eyes)
Scene 10, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
What? Like
them doing it?
(Honey collapses
in a fit of giggles, while Trixie is shrieking in horror.
Trixie
buries her head under her pillow.
Honey and
Di laugh so hard that they fall off the bed.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
(her head still
buried under her pillow) *in Ah-nold Schwarzenegger voice* Give me de air,
Cohagen.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The
Terminator voice isn’t working for me, Trixie. Let’s try option two. Scene
10, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(her head still
buried under her pillow) *in Jack
Nicholson voice* You want the air?
You can’t handle the air!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Nope,
that doesn’t work either, Trix. Give option three a go. Scene 10, Take 3!
Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(her head still
buried under her pillow) *singing loudly and off-key* All
I need is the air that I breathe, and to love… y—
|
|
April:
|
Cut, cut,
cut! That definitely isn’t working. Forget that and go with option four.
Scene 10, Take 4!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(her head still
buried under her pillow) Laugh it
up, Fuzzballs. *gasp* Can I come out
now? If I don’t get some air soon, I’m gonna smother to death.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Trixie come up for oxygen while I go to
my office and work on this…
Scene 12, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
Well, not
that I’m some big mathematician or anything, but odds are that they’ve done
it at least… *pauses to tick Belden children off on her fingers* 3.14159
ti---
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Uh, Di,
I think you need to recheck your figures. That number is supposed to be
FOUR.
|
|
Di:
|
*sighing
in exasperation* Who do you think I am? Misty? I’m an actress, not an
accountant.
Scene 16, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
*singing* She wants to see you again…
|
|
Honey:
|
*singing* Slowly twisting…
|
|
Di:
|
*singing* In the wind… *leaping in the air to click
her heels together*
(Di misses
the couch on her descent, and lands with a loud clatter on the floor. She
begins screaming in pain.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Cool! Look
at how her shin bone is popping out of her skin!
|
|
Honey:
|
*staggering
around* Oh, oh, oh! Look at all that
blood!
|
|
April:
|
Get Brian
in here! See if he can make one of his make-do splints. And call the talent
agency for a Di-lookalike.
Scene 18, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
M-Mart and Br-Bri-Brian are idiots, I can see wh-why
they’d do th-th-this. But not J-J-Jim. He’s the m-most wonderful *sob* b-boy in the w-w-wor-rld.
|
|
Honey:
|
*wailing* Maybe they’re gay!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Impos—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! We’re going to have to fix that line,
people, and make it more PC. I don’t want The Cameo getting sued. So I’m
swiping something I saw from a TV show once. Here are your revised scripts.
*handing them out* Okay…
Scene 18, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
M-Mart and Br-Bri-Brian are idiots, I can see wh-why
they’d do th-th-this. But not J-J-Jim. He’s the m-most wonderful *sob* b-boy in the w-w-wor-rld.
|
|
Honey:
|
*wailing* Maybe they’re gay! Not that there’s
anything wrong with that.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Impossible!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
*shrugging*
|
|
Di:
|
Maybe they
really like Loyola, Linnie, and Dot Murray better than they like us.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Okay, so
maybe they are gay… not that
there’s anything wrong with that…
Scene 20, Take 1
(Jim begins
pulling off his wet jeans.)
|
|
Brian:
|
We have an
audience.
|
|
Jim:
|
Good
grief! (tries to pull up pants, but they get twisted and he can’t)
|
|
Trixie:
|
So that’s where you keep your
harmonica, Jim… *giggling*
|
|
|
Bloopers
for “A Sticky Situation”
Scene 1, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Of course they’ll show up. *sighs impatiently* We’re early. The boys don’t need to be
here for another fifteen minutes.
|
|
Di:
|
Do you
think they figured out our plan?
*twirls a strand of hair around her index finger* Maybe… Maybe… *yanking hand* Maybe…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The
line is: Maybe they decided not to come.
|
|
Di:
|
*groans* I
know the line. My finger’s stuck
in my acrylic nail and I can’t get it out.
Scene3, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
Mart’s not
hairy.
|
|
Trixie:
|
True, but
Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six
nose hairs, whi—
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
That’s chest hairs, not nose hairs. Let’s try it again from your part,
Trixie. Scene 3, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
True, but
Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six
ear ha—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Chest
hairs, chest hairs, chest hairs! Not ear hair! Do you think he’s my high
school Spanish teacher? *cleansing
breath* OK. Let’s try it again,
Trixie. Scene 3, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
True, but
Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six
pubic— *shaking head and wrinkling
nose* Wait, I know that’s not right. I mean, I don’t know, and I really don’t want
to know… Is it time for lunch yet?
|
|
Honey:
|
Scene 4, Take 1
Di! *clutching hair in hands* I don’t want to hear about “nekkid”
|
|
Di:
|
I do. Tell
us, Trixie. Was he nekkid?
|
|
Trixie:
|
*cheeks
burning* He had on a towel. And I
barely even saw him. WAIT!!!
*scratching
chin thoughtfully*
Stop the
train! I have an idea. I know this
isn’t in the script, but you’re going to love it. I was just thinking that
maybe I should really see
“nekkid” Jim to help me feel more embarrassed during that part. I mean,
wouldn’t it help me enhance my craft and… and… and, you know, make the
scene more realistic? Isn’t that the best idea you’ve ever heard?
*crickets
chirping*
|
|
Trixie:
|
OK. Bad
idea. Let’s drop the whole “seeing nekkid Jim” idea. Let’s just try this
scene again, shall we, sans “really seeing nekkid Jim” idea, of
course. *cheeks blazing a fiery
red* April, can you, like, yell “cut”
before Brian comes to see what’s going on?
Scene 7, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
*pointing
to gymnasium entrance, and then clutches Trixie’s and Honey’s arms* Here they come!
(Brian,
Jim, Mart, and Dan enter gymnasium and look at the roaring crowd.)
|
|
Brian:
|
*blushing
slightly* (Hesitantly waves to
crowd, smiling shyly)
|
|
Jim:
|
*flashing
lopsided grin* (Holds up one muscular arm in a confident wave)
|
|
Dan:
|
*grinning
at the crowd* (Winking flirtatiously
to a select few women in audience)
*Suddenly, his dark, sexy bedroom eyes fall upon a lovely creature
sitting on the front row of the Bloopers*
Terry!!! (Dan runs to Terry’s side, and easily
lifts her into his arms and carries her off stage, Rhett Butler-style.)
|
|
April:
|
Dan! Bring
her back! She’d needed on the Blackwater Set for the airport scene!
Scene 11, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
(Walks in
front of Dan, inspecting his chest.) Mmm-hmmmm.
(Moves on
to Mart.) Just as I thought.
(Honey and
Di stifle giggles.)
(Moves on
to Jim and thoroughly examines his supple pectorals.) Ye-es.
(Di gives
Trixie a gentle shove)
|
|
Honey:
|
Move on,
dear.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Veeeery
nice. (running hand over muscles on Jim’s chest) You must work out.
(Honey and
Di exchange a knowing look. Di shoves Trixie again, this time a bit more
forceful)
|
|
Honey:
|
*clears
throat* Move on, dear.
|
|
Trixie:
|
*still
admiring Jim’s supple chest* Are you
sure you don’t chop wood?
Scene 15, Take 1
|
|
Mark:
|
*raises
hand* So you’re not waxing cars?
|
|
Trixie:
|
No. We considered having a traditional car
wash, but we read about a bunch of guys in North Dakota that waxed their
chests and backs for charity, and we thought that would be a fun way to
raise money.
|
|
Mark:
|
Well, if you’re not going to wax my car, I’m
outta here. I still have time to meet Casey for a game of Ultimate Frisbee.
See ya. *stands up and walks down bleachers, saluting boys as he exits
gymnasium*
|
|
Honey:
|
Call me,
Mark! *gives a dreamy sigh* He’s such a wonderful “Rock, Paper,
Scissors” player.
Scene 19, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
(pulls out a tube from one of her cosmetic
cases, squeezes out some of the contents onto a cotton ball, and dabs it
onto Brian’s chest)
|
|
Brian:
|
*arching
brow* What’s that?
|
|
Di:
|
Topical
steroid cream.
|
|
Brian:
|
*inhales
deeply* It smells minty fresh.
|
|
Di:
|
*looks at
tube and giggles* Oops! This is my
toothpaste. Sorry!
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Someone call Make-up and have them wash the Colgate Total out of Brian’s
chest hairs.
Scene 22, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
(Sticks wooden applicator into the can and
stirs it to test consistency) (Scoops up a bit of the warm, melted wax, oil
and rosin mixture onto a spatula and walks over to Brian)
Are you ready?
|
|
Brian:
|
*gulps
loudly* Ready as I’ll ever be. *closes eyes tightly and braces himself*
(Di applies a thin layer
of the mixture onto a small patch of hair on Brian’s chest and then lays on
a thin, muslin strip)
Hey! That
wax feels real!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! *walks over to Brian* It is
real, Brian. And before you ask, so are the muslin strips.
|
|
Brian:
|
*gulping
loudly* I thought we were acting. I
didn’t think you were really going to wax us.
|
|
April:
|
Sorry,
Brian. We have a $21.15 budget. We can’t afford to hire Weta Workshop to design
fake wax. Rip it, Di!
(Di rips
strip from Brian’s chest while he screams obscenities that The Cameo has
censored to keep this suitable for public viewing.)
Someone
call Make-Up and have them cover that smooth patch of chest with synthetic
hair so we can do this take again.
Scene 30, Take 1
(Trixie
rips CathyP’s strip from Jim’s lower abdomen)
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Jim:
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*eyes
closed tightly* Is it over?
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Trixie:
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*smiling
slightly* It’s over. Now how about I kiss it and make it
better?
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Jim:
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*grinning broadly* That would be—
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April:
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Rated a
red star! Cut! And please, stick to the script!
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